I wanna ride a rollercoaster

"Life can be like a roller coaster... And just when you think you've had enough, and you're ready to get off the rid and take the calm, easy merry-go-round... You change your mind, throw your hands in the air and ride the roller coaster all over again.  That's exhilaration...that's living a bit on the edge...that's being ALIVE." ~Stacey Charter 

This is one of those posts I've been putting off for a long time.  It's embarrassing.  I didn't want to admit to myself let alone hundreds of readers that I was too fat to fit on a roller coaster.  I don't mean that the seat belts were a little tight.  I mean that I couldn't even get them across my body.  Never mind the bar that comes down.

There's nothing more devastating than not fitting except being told by some skinny know-it-all teenager that you can't get on the ride.  Especially if you have waited in line for two hours just to get on.  Yeah - some of the rides have a sample seat at the beginning of the line so you can check.  So instead of being embarrassed at the actual ride, you can try it before God and everybody.  

It's been years since I rode an real coaster.  Decades actually.  I fit on a few at Disney with the kids, but I think they are actually roomier than most.  Two years ago we all went to Cedar Point.  I stayed with my son who is quite small for his age and couldn't ride the big rides.  I used my son as an excuse not to try.  

I live an hour away from one of the greatest coaster parks in the world and I didn't ride any rides.  Well - I rode one.  It was a train that was sort of like a coaster for kids that I barely squeezed into.  You could see the look of doubt in the kids' face when I got on.  He just knew I was going to get stuck.

So, I've lived on the sidelines for a while.  Afraid to even get in the seat to see if I fit.  Knowing that it wouldn't.  But now I'm getting back in the game.  I want to ride the big rides.  Even if it means that it's a little uncomfortable.  I am living again and I don't want to miss anything.

That being said, I have a dilemma.  I don't know just how small I have to get to fit in a standard coaster.  Yeah - they have guidelines.  But everyone is built a bit differently.  Would you mind doing me a favor?  If you are a curvy woman, would you PM me your size?  This is purely for research and everything will be kept in the strictest of confidence.  I want to know what my goal should be so I can get into that seat.  I really want to ride :)

You can message me at http://www.facebook.com/TakingControlOfMyLifeOnePoundAtATime or e-mail me at manchesterclark@yahoo.com.

Why I'm Doing This

"I've failed over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed."
 ~Michael Jordan

People are finally starting to notice the weight loss.  I’m getting more compliments and I can finally see it in my pictures.  But I’m like the boy who cried wolf.  My family and friends are used to the roller coaster and are most likely expecting that I will just put it all back on.  I have even felt that way myself.  I mean – everyone loves me now.  Overall I’m healthy.  Should I bother working hard just to put it back on?

The problem is that I’m healthy now.  But I’m more worried about 20 years from now.  The wear and tear that this extra weight is putting on my joints will eventually take its toll.  I want to be able to keep up with my grand kids.  I don’t see me retiring any time before 70 so I will still be working.  I don’t want to be the old lady hobbling to her office with a cane. 

I have to ask myself: “What exactly is it that I want?  Do I want to be thin?  Is healthy the goal?  Is what I want worth more than watching TV or having that bag of potato chips?”  Because taking it off is going to be ever so much harder than putting it back on.  And because I’m getting older it is even tougher than it was before.

Then I look at my children that were blessed with skinny genes from their dad.  For the moment.  If I live an unhealthy lifestyle, they are going to fall into that too.  And the thing I dread even more than me having to deal with being overweight is to ever see them have to.  There really isn’t a choice then, is there?  I want them to be healthy.  And I want to be here as long as possible for them and not be a burden on them.

There’s the picture aspect to.  I went for years being behind the camera.  I had the camera, so I always had an excuse not to be in the picture.  If I was, I always stood in the back so you couldn’t see my full body.  I didn’t want to see it so why would anyone else want to?  I was going to blog on this but Holly beat me to it.  Check out her painfully truthful yet beautiful post about getting in the picture http://www.300poundsdown.com/2013/01/get-in-the-picture.html.  When I got on Facebook, I had a handful of pictures I could post.  I even Photoshopped one because I didn’t want anyone to know how heavy I had gotten.  I have since learned to love myself for where I am now.  I take pictures when I can and don’t un-tag the unflattering ones. I still cringe every so often, but at least my kids can say that they had a mom.

And eventually I will remarry.  I don’t want to be the fat bride.  I want to buy a dress off the rack and even have it taken in a few places.  I don’t want to have to disguise my waist or hide my flapping arm wings.  I don’t want to have to get a certain haircut because it makes my face look thinner.  I want my face to actually be thinner.  I want to have chiseled arms and tight abs.  I want to look at my beautiful album and be the beautiful fit bride I know I can be.

So, basically I'm doing this for me.  And for my kids.  Not because anyone expects me to.  Not because I have to.  This time it's because I want to.  I know deep in my heart I'm capable of this.  I have to prove it to myself that I can.  And I will.  This time...

The Biggest Loser (Again)

"Losing would be painful, but not as painful as knowing there was something else you could've done." ~Joe Trippi 

Here I go again.  Losing.  Again.  I guess you could call me a loser.  Because I’ve gained and lost this weight so many times I can’t even count.  And I could give a million excuses why I’ve gained the weight – pregnancies, miscarriages, a never-ending broken foot – but the fact of the matter is I’m still here.  Basically at my highest weight again.  Well, almost.  I reached that point again last year and I’ve lost 30 pounds since then. I guess that makes me a gainer more than a loser.

I took a few weeks off from logging my food and exercising over the holidays.  In that time, I gained about 8 pounds.  Yikes!  In a couple of weeks!  Some of that was probably water weight (excuses again).  So I get to lose it again.  Again.  But the trendline continues to go down this time.  Slowly.  I didn’t gain the weight overnight so I can’t expect to lose it that quickly.

I figure I have probably lost enough to be at my goal weight at least four times.  That means I have lost my entire body weight at least twice!  And I kept gaining it back.  I don’t want to ever have to start again.  I won’t start again.  2013 will be my last fat year!

As the quote said, "losing will be painful."  But it's not nearly as painful as knowing that all that hard work was wasted.  Again.  There will be a ton of sweat and lots of pain and strains.  There are going to be days I want to just give in and give up.  I will have to constantly push at it and make real life changes that will help carry me to the finish line and beyond.

So this is it.  Finally.  For good.  This time, when I watch the Biggest Loser, I will be losing the weight with them, not just cheering them on.  When I participate in the Biggest Loser contest at work again, whether I win or lose, I will keep the weight off.  Each week when I weigh in on the scale, it will be lower.  Even if it is a half a pound, a loss is a loss.  No matter what, I plan to be the Biggest Loser I know and that makes me a winner :)